the Shattered Place

The Shattered Place...it's the only way I know how to explain grief. If you have a shattered place of your own, then this post will probably make perfect sense to you. If you do not, then maybe this will give you a better understanding of grief. Please indulge me, this one may get long. But, today, I unexpectedly revisited my shattered place, and I just need to type out my jumbled thoughts and sit for a while and remember Joe.

What is a shattered place exactly? Well, imagine that you are running at the break-neck speed of life and you carry in your hands this very delicate glass ball called "life as you know it" or "your world." Then, maybe it is expected, maybe it is a complete surprise, but your ball slips from your hands and shatters in a gazillion pieces all around you. Someone very close to you, someone you love deeply dies.

In my case, it was my brother, Joe. It was December 11, 2004. Joe had non-hodgkins lymphoma. He fought it hard three times in just under three years, but still we believed. It was this week four years ago that he went into the hospital for the last time. He had to go on a respirator and be sedated because he had gotten a lung infection shortly after a harsh round of chemo. I remember telling my sister-in-law that he was going to be really mad when he woke up and found out that he had slept through Thanksgiving. I remember her laughing and saying that we would have to have Thanksgiving again. I remember being thankful that Thanksgiving that Joe was still with us, that he was still fighting.

Back to the shattered place...

You stand in this place, no longer running at the break-neck speed, you just stand there. You see everyone around you still moving at the same speed. Grief can be a very lonely place to be because you are stuck, standing barefoot in the middle of shattered glass just trying to remember how to breathe in and breathe out while everyone else is still whizzing by.

Eventually, you finally take that first step forward, but it is painful, very painful. Then another...another...you keep turning around to look back at the shattered glass to make sure it is still there. The more steps you take, the easier they become, the glances back become less frequent, and eventually, you find that you have resumed the break-neck speed of life again. The shattered place will always be there, and you can go back and visit it anytime you need or want. Sometimes you plan it, other times it sneaks up on you and surprises you. Today was that day for me.

I was taking Jared to his friend's house back in Cedar Hill. A few minutes before we get there, we pass the cemetary where we buried my brother. I know this, but I just wasn't thinking about it. As soon as it came into view, I felt like all the air was sucked out of my lungs and the tears immediately began to sting my eyes. I managed to get Jared dropped off and then went back and stopped by his grave just to see the words again. To make it real again...to make him real again.

I miss him. I miss him with every cell in my body. I miss his baby blue eyes. I miss his hands being so animated as he would tell a story, and he was always telling a story. I miss his voice. I miss him wrapping his arms around me and saying, "I love you baby sister." I miss his Godly counsel and wisdom, his always knowing exactly what verse of scripture I needed in that moment. I miss hearing him pray. I miss all of him.

But...I know this to be true...God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. God is faithful and good in ALL things. He is all-sufficient and His grace really is enough. To quote the words on Joe's grave stone, "God IS, and all is well."

I will end this with a song that God gave to me in the car on the way to the hospital to say goodbye on December 11, 2004. It so describes Joe and the way he lived and died, and it tells of God's faithfulness to those of us left here for awhile.



Sweet Jesus, You are Holy. You are worthy of all my praise. Jesus, I praise you and even in my brokenness I lift my hands and praise you because you alone are worthy. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me. Thank you for anchoring me through the storm. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning. Jesus, I pray you take my brokenness and use it for your glory. Amen

I am SOOOO excited!!!

I am so excited! The mailman/woman is my new favorite person! I just got an email that my Chris Tomlin concert tickets are on their way!!! WooHoo!!! The concert is not until the middle of February (2 days after my birthday!), but I ordered them as soon as they went on pre-sale back at the beginning of September so I should have awesome seats! I have been wanting to see Chris Tomlin for about forever, and this time I am finally going to get to go!!! Anyone want to be my back-up date if John can't make it for some reason (again!)???

Isn't my blog BEAUTIFUL!!

My blog got a make-over today! It went from ho-hum to FABULOUS! My sweet, awesome, wonderful, creative, beautiful, dear friend, Valinda worked her magic on my blog today! Doesn't it look wonderful!! Now...if only I had something good to write about on my pretty blog....

Tears of joy only a mother could cry

A couple of days ago, I cried tears only a mom would cry. I then laughed at myself crying over something so crazy and many people would never understand. But...if you have known our family very long or very well, feel free to join me in my rejoicing.

It was a pretty normal afternoon on a school day around our house except that I didn't know where Jacob was. I went upstairs to find him shut up in his room. I asked him what he was doing, and his reply was, "I'm doing my homework." Yes, I know, you are already astonished, but this is not even the amazing part!

A little while later while I was cooking dinner, he came downstairs and sat at the kitchen table still working on homework. He would ask me to spell a word for him every now and then until I finally got really curious and asked what homework he was doing. He said he was working on his composition and that his rough draft was due the next day. First shock to my system...Jacob was writing a composition that he had been working on for quite a while already BY HIMSELF!! Secondly, I asked him how much he had done and how much he had left. So he began to read me his story, and I watch him TURN THE PAGE to continue!!! WHAT???!!! He had written with his own hands, without help, two entire pages. As he finished his story, I found that I could not see for the blur of tears in my eyes.

Now, I realize that to those of you who are unfamiliar with Jacob, this doesn't seem like such a big deal at all. Well, Jacob is 13 and in the 7th grade, and this is the first time this has ever happened!!! I was so proud of him, I couldn't see straight!!

Maybe when he has finished the final draft and had it graded, I will post it on my blog. I don't even care what grade he gets on it, I am just so proud of how far he has come and how well he is doing in his new school!! This is such a huge accomplishment for him.

I am so tempted to email this post to all of his old teachers, I know they would be jumping up and down and shouting hallelujah...or falling over dead in shock and disbelief.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!!!

Jill

Awesome Worship!

S.H.M.I.L.Y.

Okay...so here I go, I'm taking the plunge into the world of blogging!

I've decided to start with a funny story that happened last night. At least, it was funny to me!

Last night, John and I were driving to a high school football game. We left the kids at home to have a night by ourselves. With all the long hours John works and his crazy travel schedule, it was nice to have time by ourselves in the car. So we are driving along and holding hands and talking some and singing to radio some and...well...you get the picture. Then an old 80's song comes on the radio and I find myself start to reminisce about our earlier years. Here is the converasation that followed:

Jill: "Honey, what was that sweet acronym we used to use with each other all the time? Wasn't it something like, 'S.W.a.B.Y.P.s'?

John: "You mean S.H.M.I.L.Y.?"

Jill: "Yeah, that was it! What did it stand for again?"

John: See How Much I Love You

Jill: "Oh yeah, I really liked that. Where did I get SWaBYPs from? Oh, that would be SouthWestern Bell Yellow Pages!" I then begin cracking up laughing.

John, shaking his head with a cute little smirk on his face: "That's the story of my life!"

For the rest of the night and even now, every time I think about that conversation, I crack up laughing. For those of you that know me (like anyone is actually reading this blog), you know what a terrible memory I have and that John never forgets anything. Poor guy, he'll be lucky if I remember who he is by the time we're 40!