Hard Truth

After praying and journaling this morning, I really felt the need to put my journaling here. So the following is today's journal entry.

After hearing news last night from John that negotiations on his deal had gone badly and that it was over and all the work and hours he's been putting in and taxing our family, all with nothing left to show for it, I've been feeling a little discouraged. Okay, maybe a lot discouraged. John's being uncharacteristically positive, and I am struggling to see God's hand in this.

The realization I've come to is this: I've been putting more faith in the bonuses to carry us through than in God. God's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. God promises provision, and I have just assumed this would be the route He would choose - it seems logical to me. God defies logic - always does.

So this morning as I've been getting kids ready for school and all dropped off, I've been contemplating these thoughts. Driving alone in the car on the way home, I began to think about how being a Christian and following hard after God is...well...hard. Very hard. We tend to make it sound so easy with words like, "just confess with your mouth and believe in your heart..." and "pray a simple prayer inviting Jesus into your heart..." But really, it isn't simple or easy. It's hard. It's very hard. The cost is big and it demands a lot. (and apparantly, Jesus wants us to be fully aware of the cost before we sign up.)

When I got home, still discouraged and still just so unsure of a lot of things - still believing wholeheartedly that God moved us to Prosper and into THIS house, but at the same time in this economy with all the paycuts and so forth, how are we going to continue to afford to live here? I don't know. Remember, my faith had somehow been misplaced in a bonus instead of in God. I believe God is really trying to teach me a HUGE lesson here. And I pray to have the faith and the trust to allow Him to do it.

So, with all of these thoughts swirling around in my head, I picked up my bible and simply prayed, "God, I need a word." I randomly opened my bible and it happened to fall open to Luke 14:25-35. The title of this passage is "The Cost of Being a Disciple." Are you serious? This is where my bible falls open? "Okay God, speak to me, I'm listening."

The passage isn't all sweet and flowery and I don't have happy little chill bumps on my arms, but it is truth. Real truth. Hard truth. Follow Me truth. There is a cost truth. It might hurt a little bit truth. Pure and simple (but not easy) truth.

So today, I will lay it all down again and simply say, "yes, Lord." And I will choose to trust in HIS faithfulness ALONE.